A Christmas Carol...Naija Style Part 1

In honor of my favorite author Charles Dickens, this is a rendition of the misfortunes and redemption of Ebenezer Scrooge...or in this case Esupofo Sojinrin.

Esupofo Sojinrin is sitting in his office at Sojinrin Savings and Loans, Ojota, Lagos. His assistant Bolu, a skinny young man with a perpetually worried expression, is counting money in the corner and sweating like a Christmas goat. Every few minutes, Esupofo gives him a dirty look. 

Esupofo: Bolu!

Bolu: Yes sir.

Esupofo: You have been counting that money now for almost thirty minutes. Didn't you pass your common entrance examination, or have you suddenly become an imbecile?!

Bolu: So...so...sorry sir. I made a mistake so...so....I.....

Esupofo: It is your life that is a mistake! That money had better be in the safe in the next ten minutes.

Bolu: Yes sir.

Bolu gets up to turn on the ceiling fan.

Esupofo:  If you touch that switch, I will touch you like a pestle touches a mortar! Do you give me money for electricity?

Bolu: Sorry sir.

A hurt and confused Bolu walks to the other end of the room to open the window.....

Esupofo: WILL YOU CLOSE THAT WINDOW! Do you want mosquitoes to finish us in here?!

Bolu: Sorry sir.

Esupofo: Before I know it, you will be opening your dirty mouth to say that you have malaria and you cannot work. You see how you people are?....YOU SEE HOW YOU PEOPLE ARE?!

Rabiu: Sorry sir.

Esupofo: You should be sorry for your miserable self. Now finish counting my money!

As Esupofo rants, a tall, handsome young man walks in smiling, carrying a Christmas hamper complete with Nasco Cornflakes, Five Alive, Digestive Biscuits and of course a glass bottle of groundnuts . It is Esupofo's nephew Feyi.

Feyi: Uncle Popo, whats up?

Esupofo: How many times have I told you to stop calling me that nonsense? Don't you have respect?! So because your wife went to University in America, you don't know how to greet again?

Feyi: Em...sorry Uncle...I didn't mean to offend you. This is for you (handing him the hamper)

Esupofo: I don't need your charity. You know I don't eat all these aje-bota rubbish. Moi-moi, eko and efo are enough for me.You have really, really become something else since you married that girl. So because you brought me American orange juice, I am supposed to start worshiping you....
 
Feyi: (Looks a bit hurt) You know what, its fine. You don't have to take it.What are you doing for Christmas?

Esupofo: Christmas ko, Christmas ni....you want me to come to your house so that your jelenke wife can be giving me American salad and looking at me in my eyes as if she doesn't have home training.....

Feyi: Uncle please...don't insult my wife.

Esupofo: Who is insulting her? WHO IS INSULTING HER! You see? I just told you that you have changed. Any small thing, you start crying like a town crier. All I am telling you is that she does not have manners and she has forgotten her Nigerian upbringing. Anyway, forget it. I am not coming. Christmas is an excuse for people to come and eat your rice and go home.

Feyi: Well...if you change your mind, you know where we are...

Esupofo: I will not change it.

Feyi doesn't bother to reply. He turns around and walks away. He is about to leave when he notices Bolu hurriedly counting in the corner.

Feyi: Hey Bolu! I did not see you. Merry Christmas.

Bolu: Merry Christmas oga.

Feyi: (Whispering) I hope my Uncle is allowing you to travel home for Christmas.

Bolu: Yes oga, but I have to be back the next day.

Feyi: The next day!

Bolu: It is alright oga. We need the money.

Feyi: How is Titi?

Bolu: (With a sad look) We are praying and hoping...

Feyi: (Giving him the hamper and some money) Take this and manage it ehn. If I knew you were here, I would have brought more for the children.

Bolu: (Close to tears) It is okay oga...God will bless you. 

Feyi: Greet your wife for me. I need to run. I don't want to get you in trouble.

Bolu: Merry Christmas oga.

Esupofo: BOLU! Is that you hissing like a snake? Have you finished counting that money?!

Feyi flees and Bolu hurriedly throws the money into an iron box and rushes to the safe. Esupofo is muttering something vile. He is oblivious to the horrors that await him. What surprises lurk at the turn of Christmas day? As the little children sing on the streets of Lagos, "Egungun Calabar, Iyoyo Iyoyo...