You know some of you got one of these love letters in secondary school...............
To the Sweetest of Potatoes
I am writing this letter from Eko Hospital because when I saw you yesterday at the supermarket, my myocardial mechanisms were briefly interrupted. I was behind the Milo and Bournvita so you did not see me. The other day, I was sitting under a tree eating a piece of kola nut and drinking a bottle of Fanta. I thought to myself, "Love is just like this refreshment...bittersweet". I have not been able to eat, sleep or study for my JAMB. The other night, when NEPA took light, I was so worried about you that I walked to your house in the middle of the night to make sure your window was open. The thought of you sleeping without fresh air was too much for me. When I got back home, I still couldn't sleep. I was tormented by images of mosquitoes flying into your window and biting you. I walked back to your house and considered scaling your wall and closing it for you; but that was a selfish thought. The sound of my climbing would have been a hindrance to your delicate slumber. I was in such a quandary. Would it be better to protect you from the malaria laden bite of the anopheles or wake you? Do you know that you smile in your sleep?
Your father really needs to look into the condition of your window nets. I was just thinking that the other day when I saw you spraying Raid in your parlor. I could have written you a song right there. You moved your arms with the agile but efficient grace of a palm wine tapper. If you only knew how much I care for you... I follow you home everyday to make sure these neighborhood ruffians do not disturb you. In fact, one day, you must have sensed my love because you turned around suddenly. I was behind a tree so you did not see me.
You are probably wondering when I am going to introduce myself. All in good time my African pear. After all, we cannot predict when the bee will sting or the tse tse fly will strike. I will follow the example of nature and "bite when it feels right". Ha ha ha! Forgive me. I have a roguish sense of humor. Just remember that I am never far away. Just call my name, and I'll be there. Oh, I forgot. You don't know my name. Well, how about this. Don't you ever be afraid because every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you.